It still hurts…
Can’t be denied that it is oh-so-so hard to forget (not that I ever want to!)…
I think it’s just a matter of being able to ‘let go’…
I still miss my darling Angel Faith so much…
i was just clearing out and organizing our room last night… still have a few things to organize nicely ~ having been staying with my in-laws for about 2 months now… my babies were fast asleep and the boys were busy playing their new game Daddy just bought for them on PS2… as I was going through the documents I had of my labour from the hospital on my ‘twin pregnancy’, I stumbled upon the scan pictures I had of my ‘Powerfpuff Girls’ (that was the nicky me, hubby and the doctor were giving the girls during the scan)… there was detailed pictures of ‘Twin 1’ and ‘Twin 2’ scans to differentiate both of them for the report I had to give to my gynaecologist… and my God! It was so hurting to look at the pictures last night…
my heart felt so heavy, like the whole world’s burden was weighing down on me…
I cried…
the scans are the only few fragments and pieces I have of my Angel Faith’s existence… amongst pictures (and tons of pictures) of her taken at NICU (5th Floor, Hospital Likas), her baby card, her birth certificate, her baptism certificate, her death certificate, her final resting place…
I still wonder and question myself…
Where did I go wrong? How did it happened? Was there something else I could have done more for her? Why did it had to happen to me? Why did I have to lose my baby Angel? Why… why… WHY…
First few days, weeks… were the hardest time of my life… I cried everytime I saw a pair of twins, especially if they were girls… I have to turn away with tears in my eyes… just couldn’t bear looking at any pair of twins and knowing that I’ve lost my baby Angel… now, at least, it’s bearable, not as bad as it was before… but it still does hurt…
It ‘killed’ me when I lost my baby Angel… a part of me went with her the day she left us…
I couldn’t stop crying and crying… it was just like the water tap has been left open in my eyes… my tears just couldn’t stop flowing and flowing down… I couldn’t bring myself to look at anyone, I couldn’t sleep… I was there but I felt I wasn’t actually there… it was like the whole world is moving and I’m just motionless, stand-still…
my Mummy’s words kept me strong, the next morning after our Angel left… I still remember clearly her saying, as both of us were crying… “… Audrey, I know it’s very difficult for u now… but u can’t be like this, u have to take care of yourself and be strong… u still have your another baby girl fighting for her life in 5th Floor… you have to be strong for her… and you still have your very young kids at home for you… please be strong… you have to recover so that you are able to be there and take care of your baby…”
can u imagine the condition I was in then? I was recovering from my caesarian, which was more crucial this time coz of my uterus and my bladder (scar from my last caesarian in September 2004)… at the same time, I was having this few minimal percentage of reaction to the post-spinal effect (something like tat… have to ask Dr. Deidre ~ oh, my anesthetic doctor was a very pretty Dr. Lim and during my labour, I was in the hands of the Specialists… Dr. Hatta and Dr. Fatimah… they were wonderful Doctors @ Specialists also to my hubby’s good friend, Dr. Ramesh) and, then I just lost my baby girl and another baby girl fighting for her life in the 5th floor…
I felt so helpless, useless… couldn’t do anything ~ bed-ridden in the 2nd floor… and, my hubby had to wheelchair everytime to go see my babies at the 5th floor…
my godMa ~ aunty onong @ Mdm. Teresa Vitales nee Athanasius… actually had a ‘vision’ at the exact moment when my baby Angel left us… she was at her home, about to doze off in-between dreamland when she ‘dreamt’ of me lying down in my hospital bed with an angel flying over me… she said the room was dark and only a presence, a light was glowing over me and it was clearly a baby angel with wings… it was the exact scenario in my room then, the only lights we had was from the washroom and the streetlight outside and my bed was in the middle of a big dark room… can u imagine how I felt having heard this from her the next day? …
it was almost midnight, 10th November when we lost her and we could not inform anyone at that moment except for our own immediate family ~ our parents and siblings… until only a few hours later, at dawn…
aunty onong said she even woke cuzVera up and asked whether there was any text sms from any of us coz she was having this weird feeling, woken up by her strong vision… cuz vera said no… then aunty onong said she went and light a candle for us and prayed… I was so devastated ~ hearing my baby Angel actually coming over to say her ‘goodbye’ to us… tat time it was only me and my hubby in the room… I purposely picked the 1st class ward so that my hubby can be with me nighttime, on stand-by and to be especially near to our baby girls…
Without our parents, siblings and relatives, we would not have been able to cope with the whole situation… I’m thankful, both me and my hubby, we have wonderful parents and siblings in our lives… they were all with us every step of the way, and it has brought us closer than ever…
My bestfriends were also there for me… Deborah Mojitoh, Christine Yapp, Brenda Loijin and also, few closefriends too ~ too many to mention in fact! *you know who you are and I’m thankful for having you as my friend* and my 2 bestfriends, Janice Blasius and Pat@Marilyn Siambun, were so wonderful… they actually took immediate emergency leave from their boss in the morning, took the next available flight from KL and came over to be by my side less than 12 hours after I lost my baby Angel… they kept me company for the weekend and left back for KL on Sunday night…
I’m touched and thankful for having bestfriends like them…
When our baby Angel Faith left, breathed her last…. Our baby Princess Faye also stopped breathing for a while… it was shocking when the doctor told us. They said she just stopped breathing at that same moment too and they had to quickly put our Princess Faye back on the oxygen… the Specialist, Dr. Izzuddin even joked casually that “…oh, dun worry too much. She just forgot to breathe…” when we kept on asking whether our Princess Faye was ok, was tat normal etc… he was trying to be light-hearted about the whole situation, seeing how worried we were… *I give thousand thumbs-up for Dr. Izzuddin and his whole team at NICU… they really took care of our baby girls very very well round the clock… ensuring our Angel Faith’s last moments were peaceful… and also, taking care of our Princess Faye until her home-sweet-home on 9th December*
I think this is the first time I am able to pour my thoughts and feelings out, putting it into words ever since… it has been almost nine months now… it’s still very difficult to talk about it… I can only still talk about it with my hubby, kids and bestfriends…
I ‘salute’ my wonderful hubby for being so, so strong during tat moment… the only time my hubby really broke down and cried was when we lost our baby Angel (he was with her at NICU when she took her last breath…), when he brought our baby Angel to me ~ for me to cradle her warm, fragile and small body for the last time and saying my last goodbye, kissing her and telling her how much I love her all over and over again… and, when he was putting our baby Angel to her last resting place… *I was unable to go, I was in the hospital with my in-law’s relatives accompanying me…it was a solemn Saturday morning…it started drizzling when they left the hospital for the cemetery and only stopped when they service was over* was Heaven also crying down for my baby Angel? was Heaven and Earth also feeling and crying for me…?
we go visit our little Angel as often as we can… I talk to her whenever I go visit her…
I always tell people about my Angel Faith… saying that our Princess Faye has an identical twin sister, just like her… our Angel Faith might not be with us now but she will always be a part of our family… she will never be forgotten… always remembered with love…
It calms me to know that my Angel Faith is a beautiful Angel in Heaven now… At least she’s happy, healthy and perfect… most of all, she’s not suffering anymore… Our Beautiful Angel Faith is in Heaven with Jesus…
It was best for us to ‘let her go’… freely, peacefully, calmly…
The most difficult part in life is having to experience putting your own flesh and blood to his/her last resting place… instead of the norm, whereby our kids should be the ones to put us to our last resting place…
